I wish my penis had an off switch
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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