I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Are we still banned from the library?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
