He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
