that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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