What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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