How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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