im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
