stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
