Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you had me at cake vodka
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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