Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
