he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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