Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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