I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
