You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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