I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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