her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize