saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
