so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
