I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
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