I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
