This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
