Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
