I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
