I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
