This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
