I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
