i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
