so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
