that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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