my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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