I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
