oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
