I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
