when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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