Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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