My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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