'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
