I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
well you can't waste a boner
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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