Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
