Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
