saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
