Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
