Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
