how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
