Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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