She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
