I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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