DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
