I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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