Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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