guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
