I am puke
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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