i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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