Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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