I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
