If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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