i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
