last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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