Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
