Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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