and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
