Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize