this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
