wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
