so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Floor bacon is actually really good
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
