the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
